May 21, 2015

'Simple' questions...

Today was a hard day.

I had a cousin come around visit with his daughter. I kept his daughter happy while he spoke to my Mum.

And as he was leaving, he asked me this question -

'Are you looking for work yet?'

A simple question, it would seem. But to me, it was a massive kick in the guts.

All I said was 'Not yet' and looked away.

Obviously he has no idea what is happening with me, or how a seemingly innocent question could actually make me feel.

What people don't realize is that with questions like that, is that it makes me overthink and to the surface comes, 'who would employ a fat, depressed woman who doesn't even know if she can get up to actually go to work'. And then it snowballs to just wanting to end it all because then I wouldn't get questions like that anymore. And feel totally demoralised.

These are the times when I turn to my bed. And just sleep it off. Let the tears run down my face. I am usually texting someone about the whole situation. Who will talk me down from the hysteria that's going on in my head.

So, if you know someone who is depressed or suffers anxiety, make sure you think about the questions you ask. Because your 2 seconds of thinking may save someone else 2 weeks of thinking.


*** Please, ask for help if you need it. Beyond Blue is a great resource and starting point but if you need immediate help, do not hesitate to call Lifeline ***

May 20, 2015

I am one of the many people suffering Depression.

It attacks without fear. At any time. To anyone. You may be a superstar in movies, have flair on a football field. Or you may be like me. A member of the general public.

Depression has been in my life for at least 2 decades. But only diagnosed a few years ago.
One weekend I was at breaking point. I was in our lounge room, husband (at the time) was working away. All I did was got up and moved to the lounge room so I could watch TV. I didn't want to answer my phone. I could not answer the phone if anybody called. I was texting through tears. This wasn't me at all. And it was time to go to the doctor.

So, I did. And he prescribed tablets.

I was living in Tasmania at the time and they were just to get me over the hump until I moved back 'home'. I didn't want to see my usual doctor at home. I wasn't sure if he could handle it. Or what I had to say. So an amazing friend of mine got me into her doctor - he was supposed to be one of the best mental health GP's in my area.

Except he didn't really help. In the end, he yelled at me and told me that it wasnt the tablets that he prescribed that was making me worse. I didn't go back to him and I stopped taking those awful tablets. I did what you weren't supposed to do and stopped taking them. Thank goodness I did. I was basically a zombie all of the time.

But now, a few years down the track, I am seeing a wonderful GP who listens. Who is empathetic. He is a love and I am so grateful to have found him. Through another friend x

This isn't going to be a sugar coated place for writing. I am going to write exactly what is in my head. How I feel.

I'm hoping to post on a regular basis. But this may not happen.

Please read. Without judgement xx


*** Please - If you need any help, contact Lifeline and visit Beyond Blue. You are NOT ALONE ***